Rest In Peace Rodney Dangerfield

those blessed with the ability to make people laugh hold a rare gift . i liked this guy because his one liners often gave me reason to laugh ... i heard an npr interview in which he said that he started writing jokes at age 15 and used humor to compensate for a very unhappy upbringing... thanks for making me laugh and lifting my spirits... Rodney Dangerfield /Jacob Cohen .



Rodney Dangerfield Jokes

Born Jacob Cohen in 1921, Rodney "No Respect" Dangerfield began writing jokes at the age of 15. At 19 he changed his name to Jack Roy and had two jobs: one as a comic who couldn't make a living and the other as a singing waiter.
After traveling the comedy circuit for ten years, the struggling Jack Roy quit show business in favor of selling aluminum siding.
It wasn't until the age of 40 that Dangerfield made the decision to relaunch his career as a performer and comedy writer. He spent his days in a business office and nights working in New York clubs.
Rodney's famous trademark white shirt and red tie are on permanent display at the Smithsonian.

I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills." He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!




What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!


I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get.


My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.


I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!


I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.


I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!


My mother had morning sickness after I was born.


My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.


I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.


I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.


Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide."

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, "On your mark..."


When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.



I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.


One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.


My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.


A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

I knew a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint--a Saint Bernard!

I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.


One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy...why are you doing that for?" He said, "Because you came home early."


I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.


I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me with a slingshot!


When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"